This past weekend was an emotional one for me. I lead worship at my church (Osterville Baptist Church, Osterville MA) which isn’t abnormal for me. I sing almost every week and lead here and there. I’ve been “in training” for some time now to be a worship leader. I have to say, I love it. It’s the most insane position I’ve ever been in. The amount of blood, sweat and tears I put into these services is unreal sometimes. But there are some days that I just sit here praying, “why me?” I AM SO INADEQUATE!!! I am nothing, can I really do this? I questioned it for a while – is this what I should be doing? Singing? Leading people? Me? I have to say, I don’t have all the answers but if there is one thing I know – I love to worship. I love to sing, I love singing with my church family.
I am a 27 year old sinner. I am so beyond broken at times. There are days that literally all I can do is sing. There are days that I feel like the only way I can truly communicate how I feel is to sing. Singing is my outlet, it’s my way of expressing, crying, praising. Song lyrics can absolutely WRECK ME. People don’t get it sometimes. I get it, I’m one of the only 20- something year olds that go to church (willingly). I need it, I found a place that feeds my soul. They want to do life with me. Most of these people don’t even know me. They don’t know what I’ve done (God help them if they ever find out). I use to wonder what people would think if they actually knew my story, where I have been. Some would be absolutely shocked, others wouldn’t believe me.
I’ve come a long way. I am thankful that I have a mother who loves me enough to encourage me even when she may not understand it. She listens to my stresses, my song choices and the endless amounts of singing. Leaving the Catholic Church was a big deal, people thought I was jumping off the deep end. I was – I was jumping into a church that has NEVER shown me judgement. They have opened their doors, arms and hearts to me, and my family, on many occasions. You cannot find that everywhere and that’s sad. This place is so special.
Our previous Worship Pastor Dave saw something in me, and he helped implement the tools I needed to explore this calling that is so evident in my life now. I am SO thankful for this man. In many ways, starting to lead worship at OBC has saved my life. I get to grow deeper in my faith AND sing. I am challenged, encouraged and loved. I’m now working with our new Worship Pastor, Kimo. Kimo and Dave are amazing mentors. They have really poured so much time into my life. Not just worship, my LIFE.
This church is amazing, God is so good. I have amazing pastors – they are so encouraging. They really care for people. They check in, they pray for me and my family. They show me who Jesus is every single day. Being a Christian is more than just words, it’s acting. You need to BE Jesus to those around you. Be a good person, be a light in a world of darkness. I try to be a good person, a light. I fall short, this I am sure of, but I try to be that person. I feel that OBC really helps shape me for heaven. They show me pieces of heaven every day, and on Sunday mornings (when I am singing and absolutely wrecked and barely keeping my emotions in check) I feel the love of heaven.
This weekend was probably the most crazy, emotional and exhausting service I have planned. Every second of that service I gave everything I had. I cried, rejoiced and felt overwhelmed with emotions. I danced around (as I always do while I am leading) and abandoned everything. Nothing was going to stop me from giving my all. It was an unreal service. I don’t know what more to say. The preaching was phenomenal, as always, and the Holy Spirit’s presence was….. all around. It was unreal. OH! Another thing – this worship team is amazing too. The tech team, singers, band. They have also been so supportive. They make taking on this journey something that I feel I can do. I couldn’t make it through a Sunday without them.
I just am so thankful for this church. I am thankful for a support system. I am thankful that Pastor Dave took a chance on a girl who was in such a bad place and helped her see there is more to life than where I was at that moment. I am thankful for an everlasting King! I am thankful for a mother who supports me, comes to my services, and never judged me through my journey at OBC. She always encouraged me to find a place that would nurture my faith. A place where I belong.
I finally found that place, I found a home.